


Diplomatic Immunity

by cutecobain



Series: southern and unimpressed with things that aren't america [2]
Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: 8tracks fic, Americans at Hogwarts oh DEAR, Gen, Ravenclaw Forever, in separate corners, oh boy here we go - Freeform, poor McGonagall all she wants is some peace and quiet and a good biscuit, someone needs to put zoe and me in time out, this is not for you
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-07-30
Updated: 2014-07-30
Packaged: 2018-02-11 00:43:49
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,342
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2046567
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cutecobain/pseuds/cutecobain
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>our intripid heroines annoy the hell out of their beloved headmistress with vigilante pranking and historical taunting, despite their lack of actual diplomatic immunity</p>
            </blockquote>





	Diplomatic Immunity

**Author's Note:**

> okay seriously who let me have bowiez's phone number all we do is text fic at each other this is a PROBLEM  
> enjoy our ladies being little shits, if you want

When the Gryffindor 3rd year boys came down to breakfast one morning in mid-January with snow clouds hanging over their heads, coating them with a light dusting of very cold and very wet snow, Minerva McGonagall was begrudgingly amused by the dedication of whoever it was that had engineered the prank. When she realized she could not simply dispel the inclement weather and felt the first tendrils of a headache snake through her temples, she began to grow irritated. After questioning the boys, she was confused.  
“What do you mean, you do not want to find those responsible for this?” she pressed as Madame Pomfrey fed them all pepper-up potions.  
“No point, Headmistress,” Benjamin, the leader of the little group, said with a heavy sigh, “they said we would stay like this until we were sorry for teasing that girl, and even though they lied because we’re all very sorry, it’s not like they’re gonna get in trouble, is it?”  
Minerva’s head throbbed. “And why do you think the perpetrators would not be sufficiently punished for dumping snow on your heads?”  
Benjamin blinked at her owlishly. “Diplomatic immunity, o’course.”  
Minerva bit back a growl. No point in losing her cool in front of students, but those _girls_ , she thought as she turned and swept from the room, those girls are in so much _trouble_.

\----

“Hey Lottie?” Nicolasa put her book down and tried to make eye contact with her best friend, which was difficult as Carlotta was sprawled half under her bed. “Wait, what are you even doing?”  
Carlotta apparently attempted to answer the question, but her words were muffled by the layers of bedding between them. Nicole helpfully pointed this out with a “Can’t hear you, idiot.”  
“Oh shut up,” Carla returned, extracting herself from the narrow space she’d managed to worm into, “I was hiding our good candy.”  
“Under the _bed_?”  
“I wedged the hollow book in a space in the bedframe. Liz is way too magic-minded to think up something so exceptionally Muggle, so our airheads and blowpops are safe.”  
“Oh, thank the LORD, I caught her trying to eat the last blue raspberry airhead on Tuesday and almost LOST IT.”  
“Girl needs to keep her sweet tooth away from our homesick candy,” Carla agreed. “Were you going to ask me something?”  
“Oh yeahhhhh. You think Headmistress Minnie got our letter yet?”  
“The one proposing that we should be the US Ambassadors to Hogwarts?”  
“Yeah. We haven’t heard anything back and she hasn’t been giving us dirty looks at dinner so..”  
Carla snorted. “I think when she gets it, we’ll know. Great idea, by the way.”  
“Why thank you, bestie boo.”  
“Don’t call me bestie boo, Nicolasa.”  
“I do what I want, Carlotta.”  
\----

Minerva stalked up the moving staircase to her office and made a beeline for her desk. Rifling through her recent post, she found the letter she was looking for. She had dismissed it when she had received it earlier that week, but obviously that was a mistake. She scanned the parchment, rolling her eyes at the address to “Our Most Beloved Headmistress,” and growing more and more frustrated with herself as the girls’ plan became obvious. “As US Ambassadors to Hogwarts, we would be in the unique position to bring knowledge of a foreign culture to our classmates and be able to expose them to our native habits and ideals – freedom and justice, life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness and all that.” A very good front, but a front nonetheless, for their already trademark vigilante justice in the form of very visible pranks. They were exceptionally fond of rescuing their fellow first years from older bullies, swooping from out of the shadows, firing harmless but embarrassing curses while screaming “TRUTH AND JUSTICE!” McGonagall cradled her head in her hands and took a few deep breaths, cracked her knuckles like she hadn’t in years, grabbed a fresh sheet of parchment, and began her reply.

\----

“COLE. OH MY GOD. COLE.”  
“Jesus, Lottie, what on Earth are you yelling about?” Nicole griped as Carla bounced her way on to Nicole’s bed.  
“SHE READ IT.”  
Nicole sat up so quickly she almost gave herself whiplash. “Give it here!”  
Carla giggled and handed it over. “Read it out loud!”  
“To Misses Hyde and Silva,” Nicole read, grinning, “In situations such as these, I would normally be writing two letters, but decided to save myself the parchment.” She paused. “Official best friends, even Minnie acknowledges we’re inseparable!”  
“This is so going in my best friends scrapbook,” Carla smirked.  
Nicole grinned back, then continued, “As intriguing as your suggestion of creating the posts of US Ambassadors to Hogwarts sounds, I must decline your offer. The idea of creating an international embassy at Hogwarts was dismissed by the Ministry of Magic, as you well know, as the two of you proposed it in the first place. Ladies, I strongly caution you against continuing to pursue this avenue of international diplomacy. I would hate to have to throw two of Hogwarts’ most promising Charms students in detention for the continuation of your current behavior.” Nicole looked up from the letter. “Then she signs it Headmistress McGonagall, which isn’t even her full name.”  
Carla huffed. “And here I thought we were better friends with her than that. _Honestly._ ”  
Both girls paused, digesting the information in the letter.  
“Think she knows about the diplomatic immunity thing?” Nicole asked.  
“Probably. Unfortunately. Although…” Carla grinned at her friend, with a gleam in her eye that Nicole had come to associate with pranks and overenthusiastic displays of patriotism. “The whole diplomatic immunity thing has been spread around enough that maybe we don’t even have to use those words to get away with stuff. Like, the snow flurries are where she caught us, probably, but giving Camilla and Penny pink hair for badmouthing Muggleborns went basically unnoticed, and the thing with Nathan wasn’t mentioned at all, and his shoes had holes in them for two weeks before he apologized to Matt and we fixed ‘em, so..”  
“People aren’t reporting us.” Nicole grinned and nodded. “But we can’t keep cursing people for much longer, Minnie or SOMEONE will notice and then we’ll get detentions. We need to sort out a new method of embarrassing bullies so they’ll stop.”  
“Well, we already make a scene, maybe we should just, do that more? Ish?”  
“Something patriotic.”  
The girls grinned, brains already kicking into overdrive.

\----

Minerva smiled to herself. It had been two weeks since _those girls_ had last done something disruptive. _Well done, Minerva,_ she thought to herself, _you wrote a very nice letter with a very polite warning, and it worked very well._ She was just turning the corner to the Transfiguration department and wondering what sort of biscuits she was going to have to celebrate a job well done, when she heard yelling.  
“Umm, excuse you, sir, you’re being EXTREMELY rude to someone who has done NOTHING to deserve it.”  
“That’s NOT very nice.”  
“HONESTLY, this is why we had a revolution, because of British ARSES like YOU.”  
“I bet your ancestors voted in favor of the Coercive Acts, DIDN’T THEY.”  
Astonished, Minerva could only stare as Nicolasa and Carlotta circled the boy they were lecturing and began to chant “NO TAXATION WITHOUT REPRESENTATION.” The boy ( _Stanley_ , her brain supplied, _George Stanley, 4th year Hufflepuff_ ) had been unable to get a word in during the impromptu historical taunting, and though he tried valiantly to shout the girls down, they just circled closer and closer and increased the volume of their chanting until he cried out “I’M SORRY!”  
“You should be,” Nicolasa instantly shot back, “for hurting this poor girl’s feelings AND for over-taxing poor, hardworking colonists out of their money for your imperialistic expansionist nonsense.”  
“For _shame_ ,” Carlotta added, and shook her head.  
The girls shook hands with Mr. Stanley’s victim, tutted at him one last time, then linked arms and flounced away.  
“Headmistress!” Stanley wailed, “did you SEE what they did! Did you HEAR-“  
McGonagall groaned. So much for celebration.


End file.
